We have “Communication Issues!”
Hi I’m Anne Warner, an affordable couples therapist in Orange County. I work with couples looking to explore sticking points in their relationship.
When couples say they want to work on communication issues, I think what they mean is that one or more is frustrated by the other’s behavior when they are seeking to be close. To me, “communication issues” is a codeword for “intimacy issues.” I don’t mean sexual intimacy problems (although that is probably right in the mix!), I am referring to the brass tacks of interpersonally connecting with another. It is completely normal for every relationship to work on communication and intimacy, and couple’s therapy is a great place to do that.
What is Couple’s Therapy?
What starts as on-the-surface communication complications often goes all the way down to the roots of how a person was wired to love. In couples therapy, we will start at the top layer and work our way down to each partner’s connection system. You may know about attachment theory and how each person learned to love and communicate through early caregiver experiences. This system is at work in all of our close relationships, especially with romantic partners. In couple’s therapy, we can explore what part of that system needs to be understood and attended to for both parties.
Sometimes, a partner seems shut down, irritable, withdrawn, or explosive. Sometimes, you might feel like you’re walking on eggshells or always initiating the repair. These dynamics can feel painful, confusing, and lonely. Underneath these patterns is often a very old story—one of protection, fear, longing, or shame. Working from the models of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy (ISTDP), we gently trace these patterns down to the roots and inviting something new to emerge.
The frustrating reality is that what gets in the way of closeness often lives outside of our awareness. Defenses—like sarcasm, silence, over-explaining, picking a fight, or caretaking—form for good reasons and serve to protect us from pain. But those very same defenses can also keep us isolated from the person we most want to feel close to. The good news is: these can soften with careful attention so that these defenses can be replaced with a more productive way to connect. With time, courage, and skilled guidance, partners can learn to recognize these walls and lower them safely, together.
What’s Possible in Couple’s Therapy?
I’ve seen couples on the edge of hopelessness find new ways to be tender with each other. I’ve seen tears turn into laughter and long-held anger melt into grief, relief, and new beginnings. This work is not easy—but it’s sacred. When two people show up willing to open themselves vulnerably to one another, something profound can happen. New understanding. New safety. New connection.
Couple’s therapy won’t fix everything overnight, but it can change everything over time. You can come to understand yourself more clearly, and your partner more compassionately. You can learn to listen not just to the words spoken, but to the longing beneath them. You can heal old wounds that keep showing up in new fights. You can change the story.
